It's Me, Esme

Well, I was going to be all YAY, 10 years today since I started this blog! But uh, huh, whoops, that says MAR. 25, not MAY 25. Oh well.

But whatevs, I'm still going to make a post, and you can't stop me.

My previous post I mentioned how I finally realised how trans I really was, and since starting this blog pondering exactly that question, have since actually come out, and chosen a name, Esme Grey.

So, why Esme?

I picked the name from a character I have recently become enamored with, Esme Cuckoo/Esme Frost, one of the five Stepford Cuckoos, introduced in Grant Morrison's New X-Men run.

Esme Frost.
Stepford Cuckoo.
Telepathic Barbie.

All of these are about as far from me as you can get. I am absolutely nothing like Esme, or any of her sisters. Maybe Sophie, at a push. But I am almost as polar opposite to them as you can be. In demeanor, in looks, in fashion.

And yet, all three of those names, feel so SO much like me. And I cannot tell you a single reason why. Part of it is aspirational, surely. I WANT to be like a Frost. I would love to have the poise, the confidence, the almost haughty, better than you, attitude of Emma Frost and her children. I want their style, their glamour, their femininity. But I don't. I'm me. It's almost laughable that I could ever come close.

But ever since I started trying out the name Esme, it has felt more and more like MY name, not me wearing a character's name. I could never see Esme Frost reading comics, or reviewing horror movies. But I'm Esme. I do those things. Therefore they are things Esme does. Me. It really has become my name, and I just absolutely love it, and it has molded to me, as much as I've molded to it.

It took awhile for that shift in ideology to occur, but the instant it did, thinking of myself as Esme became so much easier. It just...is. If you haven't experienced this, it's really hard to put it into words.

The name for the group, Stepford Cuckoos, is also a name I wasn't at first drawn to, but it did always make me smile because being a horror fan, I know the references that make it up; Stepford Wives and Midwich Cuckoos. And being a name based on some classic works of horror fiction, it feels very much like something I would call myself.

As well as, since I used to be known as Foenix for most of my online life, and still am, the idea of a phoenix egg (egg being slang for a trans person who doesn't realise it yet) finally cracking, and a Cuckoo flies out, just like *real* cuckoos laying their eggs in the nests of other birds, just feels SO RIGHT, it's almost ridiculous that such a phrase came to be. So yeah, saying I'm a Stepford Cuckoo makes me smile on so many levels.

And Telepathic Barbie, a phrase that someone called the version of Esme that appeared on the short lived tv show, The Gifted, is a silly nickname, but I just love it. I love picturing people trying to get my attention by being like, "Hey! Telepathic Barbie! Over here!!" and it's just such a FUN and whimsical nickname, that I've adopted that too.

So all of this is a very long winded way of saying, and justifying to myself, that I've finally found myself, in the most unlikeliest of places. And since doing so, I've built up an identity and presence in the real world, online, and within myself that is undeniably me, expanding on who I've always been, and also uniquely me, separate from any other inspiration.

~E~

One of the big questions that face many a transgender person, is their name. And this is something I've been thinking about a lot lately, thanks to my previous post.

I have never, ever, picked a name for myself other than the one I was given at birth. I will have dalliances with names, but soon flit to the next shiny thing.

As should be patently obvious, "Kaylee" is not my real name, nor is it anywhere close to my birth name. I picked it because of a mood at the time six years ago when I made this page, and I've kept it for this, and it fits here, but it's still not "me". I don't think I would ever introduce myself in public as Kaylee, nor would I ever legally change my name to it. Or I might. Hence my issue. Well, hence today's issue. I have many issues. I have whole trade paperbacks...

The difficult part is, I do not have a name that easily flips to a more feminine gender, like a James, or a Pat, or a Michael, etc etc etc.

And much like my gender, my name was also something I didn't like when I was younger, and through my teens, for wholly different reasons. But once I learned what the name meant, I realised I had grown into the meaning, and the name genuinely suits me, I feel.

I also never knew what my parents might have named me if I had been born a girl, so I don't even have that option.

There IS a variant on my name that some people have used for me, but...I absolutely hate it. Well, HATE is a strong word. I would maybe not mind it so much if there weren't other things it was associated with I didn't care for.

So I sit here wondering who I am, while also knowing who I am, while still not knowing who I am! And that all actually makes sense to me.

So many questions.

I've been sitting around a lot lately questioning myself that if - and it remains a big if! - if I did transition, what would my name be? And I have a few options in my head, but there's always that doubtful part of me that says nono, those are just your latest obsessions, give it a week and something new will catch your eye.